White’s Darkness

Fate brought me to the world of happiness. I am used to the usual scenario. Will open my eyes in the morning knowing how the day would end. Put on the shield of smile, glow, and enthusiasm. I am the usual clown. But just like the typical jester, it’s easy to recognize my loneliness. Yet the clown hates pity from others -- he hates people to see darkness behind his white make-up.

As much as I would like to explain why it took me a while to post another write-up, I can’t because what happened was really overwhelming. But at the end it’s a victory. Something remains from those unexpected circumstance; it pierced deep into my heart and remained unresolved. The feeling of loneliness. WHY DO I NEED TO DO ALL OF THESE ALONE?

You read it right. I am feeling exactly like that. I know it’s hard to imagine for those who know me personally. For those who know me like the clown smiling from ear to ear, extremely laughing to the top of my voice, and giving pieces of advice like I experienced perfectness in my life. But clowns are ordinary people -- though often smile, they sometimes frown; though laughs are loud, they keep quiet; and though seem living perfectly, they too need to be in darkness to share light to others.

I don’t like this feeling. It seems like betraying God. It feels not trusting Him. But Lord, would you like me to experience this to realize how blessed I am? Please help me understand more. Give me answers. Speak to me. Sharpen my ears.

I feel blessed and think I’ve done great for the past 21 years. It feels like I’ve done plenty of things already. However, I see few results and I feel tired. Why do this at this age? Until when will I push myself? Why me?

Starting to question all these to God, I want to cry. I want to hurt myself. BUT NO, I NEED TO BRING THE CLOWN IN ME BACK AGAIN.

Why become the eldest among the siblings? I never questioned God why He gave me my family. On the contrary, I thank Him for giving me the most understanding mother, the most resourceful father, and the sweetest siblings. But I asked Him why I need to be the eldest among the sibs. My parents did their best to let me finish my studies. And now I am taking almost all the responsibility in the house since they did not finish their studies and don’t have jobs now. I know it’s not my duty to support them but I can’t do anything. The least I can do is to pray that God would bless them with great opportunity to have a successful business.

Then I realized why God made me the eldest. I want to make myself believe and put in mind that God has a purpose. May be I haven’t pushed myself harder when I am not the eldest. Or dreamed of my dreams when I am the second or the third among us.

And God’s greatest reason I know is that He wants me to start the Christian generation in the family. And it’s really a pleasure to be given that kind of purpose. I thank God for entrusting me that kind of task. I will do my best to be the most deserving person for this rare job. I’ll let you see again, Lord, the first thing you saw in me when you decided to make me the eldest of my parents’ kids.

Why give me the passion for social development? By education, I am a journalist. There’s no money with that industry. The competition is high and you need to prove that you are a gem on the clutter to earn money (not even MORE money). But as a journalism graduate, I can always choose to work for the top companies and get assigned in communications or marketing. Yet here I am, working with a non-government organization for marginalized children.

The evil simultaneously throwing stones of frustration to you, you’ll think why you are in this industry. I look back to my college days. Before graduation, I decided to enter social development and help others while helping myself. I was a sponsored child for almost 13 years and I want to give back.

When I started to ask God why He put me on social development, He wanted me to go back to my childhood to find the answer. In my childhood I actually started to dream this dream. Then I realized, what if my sponsors before also experienced the same as I am experiencing now. They had given the same purpose as I have. And what if they ended up quitting (just like what I was thinking)? May be because of that dead dream another dream was not achieved. May be because of that coward heart one child was not saved. May be when they did not become who they were I am not who I am. Perhaps I am living in irony, but isn’t that more fulfilling when you turn around irony and make it a success?

And now, why me? Instead of answering this, I want to thank God for choosing me. I want to give my trust back to my Savior. You crafted me this, I am glad to be this. You know everything. I AM SORRY.

It’s not fate, it’s God. He gently crafted my white glowing face; my shining innocent eyes; my cute round nose; and my big red lips to be me. My purpose is to juggle things around and to bring joy. I was born to succeed in the most fulfilling way. THANK YOU, LORD.