A Secured Life

A secured life is being lived slowly.

Life can be boring at times. When what we do become routinary, we tend to find other things to make us busy and more excited. There’s nothing wrong in pursuing learning. But sometimes, in chasing learning we sacrifice the life already ready to ripe. We become insecure of the good harvests we see around us.

When I was in high school, I loved dreaming about documenting other people’s lives. In college, I took journalism to pursue my dream. But before graduation, I decided to work in the humanitarian world. I wanted to give back. I always find it interesting to know and learn from others – mostly from the most ordinary people in the world. I dreamed of becoming a UN Volunteer and go to the scarcest place we could think of. An adventure for me.

However, everything changed when I was in my second job. God still brought me to my first love; the purpose I see myself fulfilling at present. He wanted me to again pursue journalism by giving this verse from Romans 11:29: “for God’s gifts and his call are irrevocable.” I realized a secured life is ready for change.

I accepted God’s call. But there are times I can’t help but feel insecure. The things going around me seem to be moving very slow. Tonight God reminded me that a secured life really works that way. You’ll recognize this and as you do, you’ll understand that there are good reasons.

In a slow life, God wants you to recognize the simplest things and be humble. He wants you to see all that He carves, His patches, and His little strokes. God wants you to acknowledge Him in everything. 

Remember also that things are routinary because you have not seen the best yet. I remember the time I walked home from our office (that’s a two-hour walk!). I enjoyed the walk because I experienced the things I was not able to do while taking a ride. I did not expect there was beauty hidden on my way home.

This is what God wants to remind us about life. We seemed to be walking the same path each day and it’s tiring. But did we already experience the best out of it?

Do not be anxious! Give thanks. Commit everything to Him. Do not be moved. Understand that He’s acting. Know that God cares. Take it slow and be secured.

When Trapped, Remember Who You Are

I am the type of person who wants to learn things my own way. I love discovering new things, creating new tastes, and even perceiving new wisdom. Well, at least for me they were new; because often I would eventually realize the idea was already born. It feels like a scientist – just assuming I know the feeling of uncovering something scientific – when you unearth a “treasure”. The feeling was temporary because as I've said the treasure was before searched but what eternal is the learning.

These discoveries are what I am made up today. I loved playing alone may be because I was (pretending I am no longer) short, thin, and deprived. So I strove. I wanted to prove to many that I can do it alone. I admired to be the epitome of success in independence.

I grew up insecure. I remember one summer I would peek at our window and cry on my pillow after a minute. “Someday I will bring my family to the pool. We will have our own excursion,” I would declare while sobbing. I wanted to do it myself. I was so confident I can.

I was like that. I chased my dreams because of a lot of insecurities. I was wise who I would befriend with; segregated who will cause harm and who will give benefits. But all these, the Lord knew (Psalms 139:1). He already perceived my thoughts and is very familiar with all my ways (Psalms 139:2-3).

In some point I succeeded. But it was an empty victory. I realized I was not created like that. For God created my inmost being; He knitted me together in my mother’s womb (Psalm 139:13). I created myself and knitted darkness that covered me. When I am trapped again in this darkness, I would just remember who I am – that I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

I remember my first year working. I got a very hard supervisor. He would make you feel idiot and poor. I really thank God for reminding me who He is in my life during those days. In many days, I would just look in the mirror and remember who I am. 

When Your Plan Seems Failing

As humans, it is normal to be disheartened when the harvest is weak. We feel such when we've already invested a lot in the sowing and the cultivation stages. When storm and plague suddenly ruined the crop, we tend to blame ourselves, others, or sometimes, God.

We love mapping our way, planning our future, or preparing too soon. There are no problems in doing these because we want to invest more on something we value. This is the reason why we expect big. Big in a sense that often, we want an easy way, an instant result, or an excellent outcome. However, expecting big sometimes results to big disappointments.

I am reading Moses’ journey of freeing Israelites from Pharaoh’s regime in Egypt, as he obediently followed God’s commands with Aaron’s help. There were several attempts which all first resulted to Israelites’ still being in captive. But Moses did not run out of courage and strength. Though at first hesitant to follow the Lord’s purpose for him, Moses’ faith brought him to the fulfillment of his goal of pursuing his people.

But what really kept Moses from trying when he already failed numerous times? And what might be the things that drove him to hang on?

While reading his journey, I realized that aside from Moses’ faith, it is his OBEDIENCE that brought him to success. At first it is easy to obey, but real obedience demands accomplishing the whole cycle of obeying (just obey, obey, obey, and obey). Many times, it is quite easy to obey, yet often, we also simply give up in the middle of completing the reason why we followed.

We tend to leave everything when none’s going well. When we feel like running from the mess, let us always remember that God is the One who commanded us to do what we are doing (I hope He really is). That should keep us from going.

Moses failed numerous times but he did not stop because he knew the commands were from God. When we know that a certain instruction is from the Lord, we will believe it will come to pass, no matter how hard or how far. And just like Moses, we need to worship the Lord even after every failure. Worship in times of trouble lets people know that ‘there’s no one like the Lord our God’ (Exodus 8:10).

As I continued reading Moses’ story, I got puzzled with the phrase “the Lord hardened Pharaoh’s heart” mentioned several times. Then I started to realize that God really allows bad things to happen for a purpose. And this I think was the thing that drove Moses from hanging on. He knew that his journey will be hard as the Lord allowed it. But he also knew he will finish it so he kept trying until the time he made it. 

Questions That Don’t Matter

I got an encounter with a demon today.

I visited the nearest mall from our apartment -- wearing my newest eyeglasses, basketball shorts, slippers, and shirt -- to eat my comfort food, Lola Nena’s Bulaluhan’s malunggay noodle soup with siomai. I never thought my one-day-old eyeglasses would catch this man’s attention while we were in the line to the cashier. He asked, “Saan mo pinagawa ‘yang frame mo (Where did you get your frame)”, while pointing to my eyewear. Then I said, “Sa office ko to nakuha. May doktor po kasi kami dun (I got this from the office. We have a doctor there).” And to make the story short, I got to introduce to him Operation Blessing Philippines, Christian Broadcasting Network (CBN) Asia, including my church, while I was paying my food.

To balance the conversation, I asked where he is attending church. His response surprised me. “Magugunaw kasi ang church pag pumasok ako (The church will tear down when I get in).” I assumed he was the usual person we used to minister -- pitying himself and sees forgiveness passing on to this world. So, I said with confidence and motivation, “Jesus loves you, Kuya (brother)!” He smiled and I thought he was happy for what he heard. Not until he uttered this in whisper to my ear, “Demonyo ako na nagtatago sa katawan ng tao (I am a demon hiding inside a man’s body)." It was as if the environment froze, and I did not know what to answer. I relaxed to show him I wasn’t scared. The thing I thought to let him know he cannot deceive me was to throw another question and not leave without saying anything. I asked, “Paano mo naman nasabi, Kuya (How did you say that, brother)?”

I got my order and I thought of leaving him with the hanging question; as if telling him you did not win. But he said, “Sige, sundan kita kung saan ka uupo (Okay, I’ll join you where you’ll sit).” I had no choice but to accept the challenge. Before eating and letting him reach my table, I prayed for God’s wisdom and grace. I cannot narrate far-reaching our more than an hour conversation. But let me highlight some questions he threw to me during our talk. First, “Why did God said in Genesis “let US make man”, when He was alone then. Is He really the only God?” Second, “Are you sure God is in your church?” Third, “Is Jesus really coming the second time around? Can He come again?” And last, “Why did God let Lucifer’s power remain?”

I will not tell how I responded in every question, but honestly, some I was not sure I answered correctly. I am not a theologian, yet I am also not making it an excuse to not know God more. In fact, that experience urged me study Bible deeper. Those questions don’t really matter but WILL matter.

Knowing and believing will get in the issue. That man knows God, may be more than I, but does not believe Him. The reason is, he knows God wrongly. Wrongly might be because he just wants to be different, but for sure evil is controlling him. Believing is another thing. When you believe, you will obey, and in obeying you will experience. If I am a person without a real relationship with God, I would have nodded a lot and got deceived by that man. 

The real sweet taste of a cake will never change for a man who already ate one. No matter how others will convince him that a cake is salty, he will never believe. But if he never tasted one, he might get fooled of a salty cake others will let him taste first. I pity that man he first tasted the salty cake.

That man disclosed it was his first time at that mall and just went there to eat after a business appointment nearby. He said he ‘did not think he would talk to a warrior of God in the place.’ During the last part of our conversation he said, “Akala ko made-demonyo kita (I thought I could deceive you).”

I felt joy I did not run from that demon’s challenge and God was with me in responding. Then, I realized how important it is to minister to other people. And not just introducing Jesus, but helping them have a real relationship with Him.

So blessed I have an encounter with God daily.

4 Things My Colleagues Should Know Before I Leave CH

March will end I will already be leaving my comfort for one year and a half. May be my colleagues would expect me to make something ‘cheesy’ as they used to tease me to give a message during my despedida dinner.  But sorry guys, here are not tear-jerkers but things I need to confess to you all which will surely amuse you and hopefully will give you a good vibe. As I leave (since Miss Net could not reprimand me for some of these anymore) I would like you to know that:

1. These are my favorite places in the office.

I know Pat’s favorite place is the pantry and Anna the conference room, but believe it or not, these are mine. The reason is…they used to be my beds! You read that right! You may not notice it, but when I was out sometimes for five minutes without telling anybody, I was probably inside the CR sleeping. I’ll leave it to your imaginations how I was able to have my naps on the toilet bowl. Also, these triplet chairs were my comforts after immersions when I was on my own! Huhu! Often I’d woke up so late (around 8pm) after a half day event. So guys, I believe there’s no mumu in the office! Be more scared with Tita K (peace Tita K)!

2. This is my real reaction whenever you have girl-talks.

I may seem used to hearing you discuss about your PMS or Channing Tatum, but honestly, sometimes I would like to make this face. And not just because of this! I think it’s innate to women to repeat a topic to discuss on in a week. I was usually amazed when you all give the same thrill on a story that was just told few days back! Amazing girls! I don’t want to give examples; it’s for you to find out! Hehe!

3. I did covers inside the office.

You all know that I am a frustrated singer and I am so happy that I have a few fans from Children’s Hour. So, I know you’ll understand why I did these. You’ll remember the times I would leave the office last (but I did not file OT! Hehe!), those were the times I would record songs. Unfortunately, I was only able to make a cover of Jason Mraz's Details in the Fabric (and it's not that good). And worst, my first video which was supposed to be a present for my mother on her birthday was a crap! Hahaha!

   

4. I love you all!

Now here’s what you all want! Hehe! I don’t want you to see me cry but honestly, guys, I will really miss you. And I hope I will also not make you cry because of this. I just want to say thank you and I really love you my friends and my Ates! I am not good in saying this in person so better do this through this blog. I certainly am enjoying life because you are all part of it. I want to say sorry because I am making you sad (assuming ako) and I'll be leaving so early. Yet I know you understand and that’s the thing I will be so proud about you all, you are so mature!

I will not see you during weekdays anymore but for sure our adventures will not end. I have a lot of prayers for Children’s Hour and for each of you. And I claim God will answer it all. I am still with you in making this world a better place, one hour at a time!

This chapter of my life taught me three things. First, that there is no perfect place; YOU NEED TO MAKE ONE! Second, GOD WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU! And third, YOU NEED TO SURROUND YOURSELF WITH AWESOME PEOPLE. J

No Secret at All

Dreaming of having a girlfriend never came in my mind; I always envision how my family would look like. And I often have our family as my basis of a happy one (minus scarcity and other problems, of course). I always dream and aim of a perfect family but I’m mature enough to acknowledge that there will be plenty of spices that will come our way. I am so excited to have my own wife and children because my parents let me experience how happy it is. There are major and minor challenges but those never discouraged me to stay firm that I’ll marry at 27 (hopefully) and will have my 3 children (at least? Hehe) -- Mama and Papa treat problems joyfully.

In their 22 years of marriage, I only saw them fight once. That was the time I cannot sleep because I’m scared Mama would leave us. But that misunderstanding did not even last for a week. May be when you’ll ask them what’s the secret of their happy and even getting-stronger relationship, they’ll just say they don’t know or there are no secrets at all. But I think here are the reasons why after 22 years they still sleep together and these are the points I want to remember when I already have my own family.

They love God. My parents are not Christians yet but they are the firsts to teach me how to have a relationship with God. Mama taught me how to talk to God just like a friend and Papa encouraged me to trust Him. God is the center of our family. There were no challenges treated impossible because we know He is bigger than anyone or anything else.

They know each other. Before getting married, my parents were really good friends. They used to work with the same company. And I still see that friendship until now. They know how to make each other laugh, how to appease the other, or the right thing to do when you’re asking something.   

They know life. They got married when Papa’s 28 and Mama’s 26 and I assume they’ve been to a lot of things before committing to be a husband and a wife. They enjoyed every season of their lives and evident that they were ready to have children.

They know their children. What I love about my parents is their love. I can really feel it and may be that’s the reason why they have the best children. Hehe! They let us experience happiness and that is what we give back to them. They have a real relationship with us and they know us so well.

Mama, Papa, God did not let us choose our parents but I am so thankful that you are my mother and father. We might be in testing time right now pero gusto kong alalahanin nyo kung gaano tayo kamahal ng Panginoon. Alalahanin nyo na matatag kayo at iyon ang itinuro nyo sakin. Gusto kong makita na ganoon pa rin kayo -- hindi sumusuko at lagi lang masaya. Minsan nakakapagod, parang walang katapusan, pero tiwala lang! Ang kayamanan ay nasa ating mga ngiti! Naks! Haha! 

I love you, Mama and Papa! Stay sweet as if every day is your wedding and love God more! HAPPY 22^nd WEDDING ANNIVERSAY!

To My Brother

Today I decided to recall those days when you were still in Mama’s tummy. I decided to feel again the excitement which got so intense every day for nine months. I want to bring back those moments when I was six-years old. For six long years I felt alone and hopeful that one day, I’ll hug a buddy. The most exciting part then aside from your birth was the brainstorming on what name we should give you. Well, I contributed some but I think our parents did not like them. Yet I was so happy when Robert James came to our lives dated March 10, 1998.

Time really went so fast and this year you will turn 16 already. I know this will be one of your memorable years for you will enter college. I tell you, it will really be; in a positive and negative way. Just maintain that thrill because that will lead you to learning. Don’t hesitate to call, brother! I’m not here to dictate you how to spend your college-life but to guide you how to make it awesome.

You know what I want to bring back? It’s that time when I was naïve and not thinking how I can live life and put cash in my pocket. Because it’s the time when I was your strict teacher and we were with our door that we used as blackboard; it’s during Christmas when we bravely created our two-membered choral with spoons and forks as our instruments (because we did not want to share aguinaldo with other kids); it’s when we were rolling on each other in bed before sleeping; it’s when we were flying kites with Papa; it’s when we quarrel who to wash the dishes; and it’s when we play together.

J, now I want to say sorry. Sorry because I was your brother only until Kuya was 13 and you seven. Sorry because after that, I became eager chasing happiness, success, fame, wealth. Sorry because I felt we were so different in many aspects when you began to search your horizon. Sorry because I became cold and short-tempered. Sorry because Kuya did not reach out. Instead, I played on my own.

I know my selfishness resulted to challenges you are experiencing now. Let me be your Kuya again. I am trying to be more open to you and I hope you will, too. Kuya is just here and let’s be the best of friends. I want to share these things which I should have shared to you before. These are the two words I want you to remember:

Be Yourself

You don’t have to be Kuya or anyone in this world. And you don’t have to please anyone even Mama, Papa, your teachers, or your friends. Just live with the heart that’s align with God and the rest will follow. I am praying that someday you’ll completely understand what I am saying.

When I was in high school, they used to tease me gay, lame, unfashionable, boring. But they never called me idiot or stupid because they know I was not. I am so grateful until now that God made me realize that the coolest and bravest men are with Him.

But I also tried to be the ‘cool’ guy this world is telling us. I tried hard to fit in the standard of the society. There I tried my first and last sift of smoke (I really hate that feeling), drunk until I lost conscience, and cut several classes. Now you know I tried those when all this time you assumed I did great with my life (but please don’t tell Mama and Papa. Hehe!). Those experiences brought me temporary happiness. After that I felt guilty, ashamed, and hopeless.

What I want to tell you is to have the right mind-set of learning and happiness. You will achieve this when you know who you are and live wholly as the person you want to be. I know you don’t want to be the RJ who smokes, who gets sober, without dreams. I know you want to achieve something big for you and our family. Then, focus on those dreams! Be with the right people! Make the right steps! Choose the things that offer real learning and everlasting happiness.

I believe I will see a great man someday. And I’ll remain proud that I am his Kuya. Robert James Pillejera Bariso knows God; always hits the baseball for a home run; will be one of the most successful electrical engineers or businessmen; and will be the best husband and father.

J, you don’t need to be perfect in our eyes. You just need to be the son of God. Accept Him and acknowledge that He wants the best for you. WE LOVE YOU! – Kuya J

5 Ways to Happiness

Before, I thought happiness is a choice but eventually I realized it’s a skill. You can’t wake-up in the morning merely saying, ‘I’ll be happy today’. I’m not saying it’s bad, in fact, for me it’s the first step. Being happy is a skill you need to learn. Like any process in life, there is no shortcut. A man wasn't born happy (actually baby cries first during birth, right?J); he needed to learn how to smile, to laugh, and in time make others smile, too.

I remember a friend who asked me how I manage to keep calm and be happy despite the unnecessary circumstance. Straightway I said, ‘I don’t know’, and then I was puzzled. How do I really treat the things that hinder me to be happy? Thanks to that friend because that question brought me to these words now. And this will also serve as a written reminder to me whenever I need to re-learn happiness. Also, I want to help that friend by sharing these answers to his question.

On my part, here’s the five ways I consider to maintain my handsome-ness (I mean my happiness J). But you know what, being joyful really helps you to be the you-don’t-look-your-age guy or gal. At least, these ways work for my case and I discovered these entirely on my own experience. Probably, these will thoroughly help you or these will (in some point) help you ponder on your own ways to happiness. By the way, since these also serve as a reminder to me, allow me to speak in second person without making an impression that I’m the Mr. I-Know-Everything.

PLAY WITH NUMBERS. Know your priorities; who or what to be the first and the last. In my case, my priorities are these: (i) God; (ii) Family; (iii) Work/Career and; (iv) Friends. I see these categories never to be changed or added my entire life though I still don’t have a girlfriend because I know eventually she’ll fall on family.J Your priority list needs to be firm that way. Because if not, you’ll only get frustrated why everything doesn’t work good. Just like in organizing, planning should always come first. Who’s the planner in the first place? Isn’t it God? I hope your first priority is Him alone also.

When you know who or what to choose, you’ll always make the right decision. This always happen to me and I know to you, too. Aside from the fact that this way always whispers you the right choice, it is also a good time-saver. You’ll realize when you know your priorities that you are not wasting a moment. Let’s go back in planning -- you can’t implement something when it is not planned; you’ll only waste time and resources. Lastly, playing with numbers keeps good relationships. They said the secret to a happy relationship is time. And you can’t give time to someone if you don’t know when to give it to them. You can’t give ENOUGH time to something or someone when you are juggling things or (I hope not) people.

USE YOUR OWN SHOES. Be unique! You don’t need to fit in someone else’s shoes. We are born with different talents, skills, likes, and passion. What makes you happy may be or may not be the things that make others happy; chances are those things make them sad. When you know what shoes fit you, you’ll not be tempted to try other people’s footwear -- you’ll not get insecure.  You’ll see yourself fighting and fulfilled. Find your niche and sing your song!

The horizon is wide and dreams are given to each and every one. It’s more rewarding to tick in your own boxes of goals in life. No one can erase and change the purpose God has painted in your life EXCEPT Him alone. People that surround you may say otherwise or your environment is building an unending blocks but never give-up. And keep moving! Because may be yes you are wearing your own shoes, but you are not using it. If you know you’re good at something, work out to be better. Never get tired to learn from your mistakes. Aim for the best. Embrace success!

LAUGH ALONE. If you’re alone in an island and all the resources you need to survive for one year are there, will you LIVE? Life isn’t a survival quest; rather, it’s a living game. You need your family and friends, but accept the fact that there will come a day you’ll live alone (hugging just your pillow, listening only to your MP3, and talking to yourself). When that day comes, you need to laugh alone; you need to learn to find happiness on your own.

I am not saying you fake your smiles or you make fool of yourself. Rather, learn to be independent! Smile a real smile or laugh a loud laugh though nobody’s around. I think this will work when you know who you are and you are living the life you want to live. When you are on that island, will you take the risk to discover something? That might be a new game out of shells; new species of birds; new ways to build fire; or new constellation of stars. How you could do that, I don’t know, too. But isn’t that fun and exciting? And last question, when you are in that island alone, will you still praise God? How will you talk to Him? Thank Him or ask several questions?

GET RICH. I know wealth will lead you to happiness -- to limited or to unending one. I want the latter but I am not talking of money here. Precious things on earth are more than just that. I am talking about getting rich in relationship. Live more for more friends, relatives, teachers, and buddies!

Last month I wrote about the Influential People in my life. These people are just some of my richness. As I have said, choose an unending wealth. Befriend the right people! These people accept who you are and do not coerce you to change to fit in the clique. And eventually, these are the people who will tell you bluntly the things you need to change.  They will help you to become better.

SWALLOW GIANTS. Make the impossible! Who can tell what are the impossible in this world anyway? If God says you to do this, never think-twice. Even though that is to walk from east to west.

For me the first step to trusting God is to dream big. When you have dreams in life, you have goals and you know where you want to go. It’s never easy to get to your destination. However, instead of taking it as a hard task, take it as a challenging course. When you have dreams, you are living. And when you are already there, give all the glory back to God.

There you have it! LIVE LIFE! THRIVE! 

Unfinished Business

Photo by: Google

Last night, I browsed through the old files in my computer then suddenly bumped with my old articles. Below is my unfinished work I tried to come alive when I was in college. I remember I want to finish this as a self-requirement to right a short story in Tagalog. But I guess I did not have enough inspiration that time so instead of 'xxx', this article ended with '...'. Now I don't know how to continue. Somehow I like how I crafted this; not good for a Tagalog story (I guess). I hope you'll enjoy reading, too. And hopefully my memory will bring back the lost words. J

PASADA

Hindi pa sanay ang aking pandinig sa ingay ng mga pabrikang halos saklaw ang buong paligid ng aming tinitirahan. Bago pa sa aking pang-amoy ang hindi kaaya-ayang hangin na aming nalalanghap. Iwas na iwas pa ang aking pandama sa maalikabok na hanging dumadampi sa aming mga balat. Hirap pa ring imulat ng aking mga mata sa masaklap na katotohanan ang aking sariling hindi pa rin tanggap ang aming madilim na kapalaran.

Nabanggit ko ang mga katagang ito na tangan-tangan hindi lamang ang aking sarili. Kasama ko ang aking dalawang anak na babae at asawa na kagaya ko ay sanay pa rin sa mga tandang na nanggigising, hangin na animo’y nangyayapos at nagpapagaling, at mga halama’t bundok na nagpapamulat ng totoong pag-asa.

Halos ang buong diwa namin ay uhaw na muling gumalaw sa tahanang inakala naming palaluan. Nais na naming makawala sa aming kinasasadlakan. Kahit papaano ay gusto kong maiba naman sa lahat ng aming mga gunita ang pumupuno sa aming tiyan. Hindi ko masisikmura na maging ang pagkaing papasok sa aming kalamnan ay kasing dumi at baho ng kapaligirang aming ginagalawan. Sa aking pamilya ako humuhugot ng pag-asa.

Nais salain ng aking dibdib ang amoy na aking nalalanghap at singhutin ang bango ng masarap na sinangag na nakahain sa aming hapag. Ang tustadong bawang ang nagpagana sa aming panlasa upang kahit ang kahuli-hulihang butil ng aming agahan ay magpapuno sa aming tiyan. Walang ano mang ulam, dasal ko na ang pagkaing ito ay magbibigay ng lakas sa aming buong araw.   

Nagsimula man na walang bago, ramdam ko na mayroong kakaiba sa araw na ito. Malulutong na halik at matatamis na ngiti ang pabaon ng aking mag-iina bago ko tuluyang baybayin ang landas na kailangan kong tahakin. Bakas sa kanilang mga mukha ang pag-aalala bago ko pa man buksan ang aming pintuan. Waring kakaibang mundo ang nag-aabang sa akin sa likod ng manipis na kahoy na nagsisilbing pananggalang ng aming tahanan. Mahigpit na yapos naman ang aking isinukli upang kahit papaano’y mawala ang kanilang pag-aalala.

Mabilis kong isinara ang pintuan matapos akong makahakbang sa labas ng aming bahay. Isan-daan at dalawampung hakbang pa papalabas – bilang ko na ang yabag na aking bubunuin upang makaalpas sa waring kulungang aking kinabibilangguan. Ingat na ingat ang aking mga paa sa paglakad. Iba’t iba man ang ginagawa nila, batid ko na sila ay tila mga ahas na manunuklaw sa oras na ako’y may gawing mali o kahit sila’y makaramdam ng kaba mula sa akin. Dahil dito ay naging gawain ko nang bahagyang iyuko ang aking ulo at dumiretso sa paglalakad.

Kaliwa’t kanan, araw-araw kong natutunghayan ang kakaibang mundo ng mga taong ito. Mga batang matatas kung magmura at laro ni kamatayan ang alam paglibangan; mga mamang hindi ko mawari kung saan galing ang pangtustos sa kanilang mga bisyo; mga aleng may matatag na batok sa maghapong pagyuko kaharap ang mga baraha; at mga binata’t dalagang marahil ay mas ninais mag-aral sa kalsada. Siguro ay tanggap ko na ang mga sitwasyong ito, subalit ang hindi ko matanggap ay ang katotohanang ang aming pamilya ay kabilang na sa kanila…batid ko mang kami ay naiiba.

Hindi ko hinayaang huminto ang aking mga paa hanggang sa ika-isang daan at dalawampu’t isang hakbang nito papalabas sa iskinitang iyon. Bansag nga ng karamihan na iyon daw ang ‘daanan ni kamatayan’. Hindi naman sila masisisi sapagkat iyon ang kanilang nakikita at batid man ito ng mga taga roon ay tanggap na nila ito. Pabor nga sigurong maituturing sapagkat walang sinumang dayo ang nangangahas gumawa ng gulo sa kanilang teritoryo. Maging ang mga opisyal ng gobyernong nais silang paalisin ay bahag na ang mga buntot ng minsan silang kuyugin ng mga residente.  

Medyo malayu-layo pa rin ang paradahan ng sasakyan sa labasan ng daanan ni kamatayan. Ngunit gustuhin ko mang sumakay na lamang, mas pipiliin kong maglakad sapagkat alam kong sapat lamang ang laman ng aking bulsa sa aking pakay. Tagaktak man ang aking pawis bago pa man makarating sa aking pupuntahan, napapawi naman ang...

                

Guesswork

Photo by: Google

It’s a sunshine while on logs moving on liquid salty and large

Butterflies approaching but in awe they forgot

Do you ever wonder why they came back and you wake-up?

One day they’ll arrive similar, yes quite, but not alike.

Putted on stone the count and every day hues were in mind

Yet little wings left then flew back after months

Sing at liberty you see the vast wonder they figure

But then and there solitary nourished the fold sure.

Tiny eyes receive pleading bewildering death

Lone goodbye was ample and sure thing did not left

Somehow accept the stone was made to crash with luck

Like a child born to live guesswork don’t think it flap.

xxx

An attempt for the first poem.J Just enjoying the so-called 'poetic license'. But critics, you are welcome to let me learn.J

Part I: The Perfect Place (At Work)

Photo by: Google

If you are searching for a perfect place, I tell you, you’ll fail. But if you are creating one, be thrilled to experience success. I could say this confidently because I consider this as the biggest learning I acquired for the past 20 months that I've been working. This learning isn't a big deal for some but for a neo-fight like me, it’s an oasis in the middle of a scorching hot desert -- the idealistic thirst you've been experiencing after graduation was alleviated by the iced water unexpectedly showered to your head.

Well this learning doesn't work just in the workplace. Eventually, I see changes in different aspects of my life when I applied this. Now, let me share them and I hope you don’t mind wandering inside my story. Dissecting how this ‘perfect place’ learning has helped me in different ways I know would benefit in appreciating God’s ways better. Before I am looking for one perfect place but now, I've created different perfect places more flawless than I imagined.

At Work

The last semester in college was both a cramming-to-pass and a job-hunting season for me. My goal then was to work here in Manila using my college diploma -- in short I aimed to be a writer, a documentarist, a researcher, or a broadcaster; anything inline with my degree. Before graduation came, I received a lot of phone calls and job interview schedules. And to cut the story short, I got my first job in less than 3 weeks after ending my college life; as a Communication Research Associate in Agora Business Intelligence in one of the most prestigious business districts in Metro Manila, THE Makati City.

Precisely how I described it was how I felt when I first grasp independence and adventure. I was more than thrilled to leave home than to hold my diploma. I assumed I found the perfect workplace. But after a month my heaven became hell. I realized (simultaneously) watching six news channels everyday, reading five newspapers in the morning, and writing less than 10 news articles before the day ends (not to mention the low compensation) would make you stop when the traffic light is red and would make you go when it’s green. Really, I experienced that kind of shattered well-being. But obviously I’m still here and to clear things out I was not in an accident.

So I just waited to get my supposed-to-be regularization and left Agora after three months. Then I entered Children’s Hour Philippines, Inc. as a Marketing Communications Associate slash Friends-Raising Associate; in short as a social worker for marginalized children. I know this is far from journalism but as I explained from my previous articles, this is where my heart is. I was also a sponsored child before and I want to give back and I really love kids.

I’m working with Children’s Hour for one year & four months now and I shall say it’s not the perfect workplace either. But here I learned to make one. Despite the difficult superior I had who disclosed during his despedida (yes, thanks God he’s not with us anymore) that he planned to not regularize me because I did not grow and not yet ready, I’m still here confident that I’m working only for God and for the children. I don’t know why he said that when my colleagues and boss said otherwise. May be if I did not learn to turn around agony, I might be in my third employer or may be fourth; continuing the unending search for perfection.

I am not saying that you take in all the trash talks in your office or tolerate your inhumane boss just to put a big amount in your accounts. If you’re not growing and everything in your job contradicts your principles, then you’ll never create a perfect place (because you need to mold a good employer first which will never happen). In my case, I first considered my passion which I will discuss on the part three and consulted God of course.

In my adjustment stage in my second job, I first acknowledged all the imperfections of my employer, my colleagues, and even the struggles I need to face everyday going to the office. And I didn't stop. I did my best to put them at my back and never in front of me and that’s how I moved forward. If I will just focus on what my superior said during his despedida, I would have treated myself as the tiniest piece in the office -- contributing less, making it hard for everyone, and is just surviving because of my colleagues’ pity.

But I humbled myself. I did not think of revenge because I know eventually that would make me loose. I taught of my purpose and what God has told me. I worked hard to let my boss see again the first thing that she saw in me when she decided to hire me. I focused on the perfect smiles I see on the children’s faces; the most soothing ‘thanks’ you’ll hear from different people; and the warmest hug you’ll feel from a cancer survivor.

May be you’ll say you’re in a different situation now. Fulfillment in an NGO world is different from the corporate. But think of what made you decide to be in that place. I hope it’s out of passion either to build establishments as an engineer, to heal patients as a doctor, or even to make everyone smile as a clown. We are all different in terms of what makes us happy. And where we found happiness there we can create perfection. 

Influential People

They said there is no ‘original’ book; every book is composed of several manuscripts the author has read. Man, on the other hand, I believe isn’t original too; he is molded from other people’s ideas and influence. But every person can be crafted uniquely depending on WHAT ‘stimulus’ he wants to take in. Who’s passing the ‘microbes’ isn’t important. The person who’s receiving is the one responsible of sifting the good or bad bacteria.

I remember a quotable quote from one of my mentors, “To be good, you need to meet different people as much as you can. And get each of that person’s good characteristics.” Since then I became eager socializing, attending more events, and trying new things. Since then I sieved various traits I encounter from the people I know for quite some time and from the strangers I first meet.

Indeed, the ‘strategy’ is very effective. And it’s time to thank those people who injected something in me without them knowing. The following are the people I AM: 

• Nenia P. Bariso. My mother who is so transparent yet so sturdy. She taught me how to be kind and treat other people special. It’s easy for her to say her life to the people around her -- she is an open book. However, she still manages to be ‘durable’ despite her see-through life. I remember how she kicked that ‘rapist’ customer who touched her butt when we were still selling barbeque. Don’t get me wrong. My mother is the nicest person you could meet, but don’t mess with her (being influenced by my mom, don’t mess with me too). J
• Roberto B. Bariso. My father is everyone’s clown and our family’s source of strength. This man has his unique sense of humor that you’ll crave every day. He knows how to make you smile in your saddest. But eventually, you’ll realize that there’s something deep in some of the jokes he throws. That’s how he plays his role in your life – he knows you need him to re-carve your smile on your face, at the same time pierce in again in your head the lessons of life. He also is the most resourceful person I know. In order to have something delicious in our plates and put spices in our lives, he did every way possible – from selling fish, cutting trees (Joke! Legally, of course!), buying and selling scrap materials, to facilitating a game in our community called paripa (I don’t know if this is legal though. Hehe! It’s some sort of a lottery but the prizes are groceries, meat, chicken, etc.) just to earn money. That’s my super dad! And I’m proud I’m like him.
•  Robert James P. Bariso and Kathleen Marie Bariso Bana. They are my cute siblings who remind me that I am living with a purpose. Not just the purpose of helping them finish studying but of enjoying life with them. As the eldest, I’m honored to be their role model (one of the several at least). It will give you a lot of pressure sometimes but at the end of the day, it will help you think twice to do the wrong steps you are tempted to do. Because you know it’s not just your life you are burning; you are also starting to light up the sparks on your siblings’ lives. It’s the learning they are imparting to me without them knowing. That’s why I love these kids the way I love myself.
•  Eufemia Pillejera. She’s the person I miss the most. My Lola Yuping thought me how to smile and dance cha-cha. J I felt I was her favorite apo and I’m so blessed I was born before she left this world. For quite a time, I’ve been asking myself where I got my being optimistic. Then I realized it’s from my Lola. This cute chubby granny did not frown until she was diagnosed with Cervix Cancer. But it was not the sadness from a cynic but the grief from a person who experienced pain. I miss it when we wake-up early to buy tuba for her to sell and roam around Masbate to get a giant guava (ahhh. The most delicious I’ve tasted), to buy powdered chocolate drink, and to visit her friends to introduce her cute apo. I miss hugging you and sitting on your lap, Lola!
•  Lolo Itan & Lola Tilet and the rest of the Balgemino Family. Our family moved to Legazpi City when I was two; away from my parents’ families. And this family treated us their blood. I’m sure my parents also learned many things from them (especially from Lolo Itan and Lola Tilet). But the lesson I want to remember my entire life is Balgemino’s thicker ties as family. That made them victorious. I also have a lot of memories with my childhood friends. Indeed, the best lessons you’ll learn in life are from the people who’ve been with you since childhood.
• Sarah Jane Balingasa. Haven’t had a smart talk with this lady for long. This woman is one of those who first believed in my potentials especially in hosting. J Sarah is a talented and confident (in a positive way) woman; and maybe that’s why many people try to pull her down. She treats every problem light yet never hesitates to let others see her tears (saw her cry nth times). J I miss you, Sah!
•  Rona A. Diaz. I treat this woman as one of my mentors. Ate Ronz can find the last piece of hope in you (if there’s such) you’ll not imagine you can still pull off. She’s best in giving advice, motivating others, and reprimanding you in the nicest way. I have her advices still rumbling in my head when I’m on the dead end. I don’t know where she gets the best motivational stories and the first-time-to-hear trivia which are so effective. And by the way, she’s the most organized person I know. I salute her being futuristic. I’m still learning to adapt her most effective way of planning – she writes everything. J
•  Joey P. Echaluce. Another mentor and Kuya. What I love about this man is his passion for the youth and his own community. He always reminds me to not forget our community. Also, this guy is so dedicated yet calm. You’ll not notice he has done the hardest though it already took him several tries. Aside from that, I salute his humility…the simplest gem I know.
• Raisa A. Espinas. I love Ate Rai’s being free-spirited. Enjoying life and living it to the fullest is her game. She wants to learn and just learn and learn and learn. This woman influenced me to be cool. She doesn’t worry or maybe it’s not evident in her whenever she faces challenges. She knows that there’s an antidote in every dilemma – just be patient and don’t be stressed.
• Charlene C. Orosco. The life of this girl is full of surprises and magic. I can’t call it spontaneity (I also can’t figure out fully how she spends her life like that). But I am so blessed by what is happening to her. Maybe it is bravery to keep on trying new things…and not inform everyone. J Charlene maximizes every talent she has and works out the best potentials in her. Though sometimes she loses self-esteem, I think she doesn’t notice that she’s enjoying every frustration’s learning. That what makes her awesome!
• Henor Gotis. She is one of my clowns. J Peace, Kambal! She is my first Kambal who reflects most of my life aspects. This woman knows how to play life. Her fart, I mean her laugh is her weapon. We share the same experiences and this lady is the one to remind me how to love my family. She joins me in declaring that someday we will live in a palace, eat the most sumptuous food, and travel the world – all these in our own simplest way. J
• Jessha Marquez and Caryl Gamis. These two are really combined. We treat each other brother and sisters. Though we are far from one another now, I know someday we will again spend life together. Jing and Alyl taught me how to value friendship. For us, friendship is like volunteering – you don’t ask something in return. We don’t expect one to make-up with what the other has done. We are responsible of our own lives yet we have our own roles to play in our friendship. We are now discovering our own paths but I know in time those tracks will meet.
• Jose Vicente Rapirap. I don’t know what’s happening to this man now but I know he can survive. JV influenced me how to be independent. For him walking alone is better. I considered him as my older brother; I always want to have one since I am the eldest. I remember one day when he wanted to transfer to other block when we were in college. I felt so sad as if someone’s leaving for a long time. Now, because of him I enjoy to always spend my ‘me-time’. Because of this man I can find happiness on my own. J
• Geenette M. Garcia. She’s my boss now. This woman influenced me to become generous and live simply. She never forget her experiences and always influence goodness to others. She’s the coolest boss. J
• Ma. Mae Bernados and Abigail Gay Banghal. These two also come together. They are my sweetest Ates. Though we became siblings just last July, I feel so loved by these ladies. Ate Mae and Ate Abby are one of the strongest people I know. They remind me that God is always there and He is faithful to His promises. They also push me to do the things I love. They believe in me and are one of my avid fans. Hehe!
• Harold Bantilan, Jr. He is my second Kambal. We became twin because we really look alike (I’m more handsome though. Hehe). But I really treat this man as my brother. The best learning you could get from him is how to be a ‘real’ man. Kambal is a gentleman. He was lost before but I know he learned his lesson. J This man loves to think; really deep that he worry every little thing. I am also like that that’s why I like being with him when my head is deluged because we could remind each other to be happily crazy. J Another thing I like about him is his being true. He can easily express his feelings to others. At the same time, he has the most sensitive senses. I think his sensory system can easily hear your most quiet cry and smell the things you need. 

Of course, God is the biggest influence in my life. And I thank Him for bringing these people to make me whole.

Disclaimer: Don't get mad if your name wasn't mentioned. Every person in my life has his own contribution and a million thanks to you all (assuming I have a lot of readers)!!! J

White’s Darkness

Fate brought me to the world of happiness. I am used to the usual scenario. Will open my eyes in the morning knowing how the day would end. Put on the shield of smile, glow, and enthusiasm. I am the usual clown. But just like the typical jester, it’s easy to recognize my loneliness. Yet the clown hates pity from others -- he hates people to see darkness behind his white make-up.

As much as I would like to explain why it took me a while to post another write-up, I can’t because what happened was really overwhelming. But at the end it’s a victory. Something remains from those unexpected circumstance; it pierced deep into my heart and remained unresolved. The feeling of loneliness. WHY DO I NEED TO DO ALL OF THESE ALONE?

You read it right. I am feeling exactly like that. I know it’s hard to imagine for those who know me personally. For those who know me like the clown smiling from ear to ear, extremely laughing to the top of my voice, and giving pieces of advice like I experienced perfectness in my life. But clowns are ordinary people -- though often smile, they sometimes frown; though laughs are loud, they keep quiet; and though seem living perfectly, they too need to be in darkness to share light to others.

I don’t like this feeling. It seems like betraying God. It feels not trusting Him. But Lord, would you like me to experience this to realize how blessed I am? Please help me understand more. Give me answers. Speak to me. Sharpen my ears.

I feel blessed and think I’ve done great for the past 21 years. It feels like I’ve done plenty of things already. However, I see few results and I feel tired. Why do this at this age? Until when will I push myself? Why me?

Starting to question all these to God, I want to cry. I want to hurt myself. BUT NO, I NEED TO BRING THE CLOWN IN ME BACK AGAIN.

Why become the eldest among the siblings? I never questioned God why He gave me my family. On the contrary, I thank Him for giving me the most understanding mother, the most resourceful father, and the sweetest siblings. But I asked Him why I need to be the eldest among the sibs. My parents did their best to let me finish my studies. And now I am taking almost all the responsibility in the house since they did not finish their studies and don’t have jobs now. I know it’s not my duty to support them but I can’t do anything. The least I can do is to pray that God would bless them with great opportunity to have a successful business.

Then I realized why God made me the eldest. I want to make myself believe and put in mind that God has a purpose. May be I haven’t pushed myself harder when I am not the eldest. Or dreamed of my dreams when I am the second or the third among us.

And God’s greatest reason I know is that He wants me to start the Christian generation in the family. And it’s really a pleasure to be given that kind of purpose. I thank God for entrusting me that kind of task. I will do my best to be the most deserving person for this rare job. I’ll let you see again, Lord, the first thing you saw in me when you decided to make me the eldest of my parents’ kids.

Why give me the passion for social development? By education, I am a journalist. There’s no money with that industry. The competition is high and you need to prove that you are a gem on the clutter to earn money (not even MORE money). But as a journalism graduate, I can always choose to work for the top companies and get assigned in communications or marketing. Yet here I am, working with a non-government organization for marginalized children.

The evil simultaneously throwing stones of frustration to you, you’ll think why you are in this industry. I look back to my college days. Before graduation, I decided to enter social development and help others while helping myself. I was a sponsored child for almost 13 years and I want to give back.

When I started to ask God why He put me on social development, He wanted me to go back to my childhood to find the answer. In my childhood I actually started to dream this dream. Then I realized, what if my sponsors before also experienced the same as I am experiencing now. They had given the same purpose as I have. And what if they ended up quitting (just like what I was thinking)? May be because of that dead dream another dream was not achieved. May be because of that coward heart one child was not saved. May be when they did not become who they were I am not who I am. Perhaps I am living in irony, but isn’t that more fulfilling when you turn around irony and make it a success?

And now, why me? Instead of answering this, I want to thank God for choosing me. I want to give my trust back to my Savior. You crafted me this, I am glad to be this. You know everything. I AM SORRY.

It’s not fate, it’s God. He gently crafted my white glowing face; my shining innocent eyes; my cute round nose; and my big red lips to be me. My purpose is to juggle things around and to bring joy. I was born to succeed in the most fulfilling way. THANK YOU, LORD.