I am the type of person who wants to learn things my own way. I love
discovering new things, creating new tastes, and even perceiving new wisdom.
Well, at least for me they were new; because often I would eventually realize
the idea was already born. It feels like a scientist – just assuming I know the
feeling of uncovering something scientific – when you unearth a “treasure”. The
feeling was temporary because as I've said the treasure was before searched but
what eternal is the learning.
These discoveries are what I am made up today. I loved playing alone
may be because I was (pretending I am no longer) short, thin, and deprived. So
I strove. I wanted to prove to many that I can do it alone. I admired to be
the epitome of success in independence.
I grew up insecure. I remember one summer I would peek at our window
and cry on my pillow after a minute. “Someday I will bring my family to the
pool. We will have our own excursion,” I would declare while sobbing. I wanted
to do it myself. I was so confident I can.
I was like that. I chased my dreams because of a lot of insecurities.
I was wise who I would befriend with; segregated who will cause harm and who
will give benefits. But all these, the Lord knew (Psalms 139:1). He already
perceived my thoughts and is very familiar with all my ways (Psalms 139:2-3).
In some point I succeeded. But it was an empty victory. I realized I
was not created like that. For God
created my inmost being; He knitted me together in my mother’s womb (Psalm 139:13).
I created myself and knitted darkness that covered me. When I am trapped again
in this darkness, I would just remember who I am – that I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
I remember my first year working. I got a very hard supervisor. He
would make you feel idiot and poor. I really thank God for reminding me who He
is in my life during those days. In many days, I would just look in the mirror
and remember who I am.
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