Fate
brought me to the world of happiness. I am used to the usual scenario. Will
open my eyes in the morning knowing how the day would end. Put on the shield of
smile, glow, and enthusiasm. I am the usual clown. But just like the typical
jester, it’s easy to recognize my loneliness. Yet the clown hates pity from
others -- he hates people to see darkness behind his white make-up.
As much as I would like to explain why it
took me a while to post another write-up, I can’t because what happened was
really overwhelming. But at the end it’s a victory. Something remains from
those unexpected circumstance; it pierced deep into my heart and remained
unresolved. The feeling of loneliness. WHY DO I NEED TO DO ALL OF THESE ALONE?
You read it right. I am feeling exactly
like that. I know it’s hard to imagine for those who know me personally. For
those who know me like the clown smiling from ear to ear, extremely laughing to
the top of my voice, and giving pieces of advice like I experienced perfectness
in my life. But clowns are ordinary people -- though often smile, they
sometimes frown; though laughs are loud, they keep quiet; and though seem
living perfectly, they too need to be in darkness to share light to others.
I don’t like this feeling. It seems like
betraying God. It feels not trusting Him. But Lord, would you like me to
experience this to realize how blessed I am? Please help me understand more.
Give me answers. Speak to me. Sharpen my ears.
I feel blessed and think I’ve done great
for the past 21 years. It feels like I’ve done plenty of things already.
However, I see few results and I feel tired. Why do this at this age? Until
when will I push myself? Why me?
Starting to question all these to God, I
want to cry. I want to hurt myself. BUT NO, I NEED TO BRING THE CLOWN IN ME
BACK AGAIN.
Why
become the eldest among the siblings? I never questioned God why He gave me
my family. On the contrary, I thank Him for giving me the most understanding
mother, the most resourceful father, and the sweetest siblings. But I asked Him
why I need to be the eldest among the sibs. My parents did their best to let me
finish my studies. And now I am taking almost all the responsibility in the
house since they did not finish their studies and don’t have jobs now. I know
it’s not my duty to support them but I can’t do anything. The least I can do is
to pray that God would bless them with great opportunity to have a successful
business.
Then I realized why God made me the
eldest. I want to make myself believe and put in mind that God has a purpose. May
be I haven’t pushed myself harder when I am not the eldest. Or dreamed of my
dreams when I am the second or the third among us.
And God’s greatest reason I know is that
He wants me to start the Christian generation in the family. And it’s really a
pleasure to be given that kind of purpose. I thank God for entrusting me that
kind of task. I will do my best to be the most deserving person for this rare
job. I’ll let you see again, Lord, the first thing you saw in me when you decided
to make me the eldest of my parents’ kids.
Why
give me the passion for social development? By education, I am a
journalist. There’s no money with that industry. The competition is high and
you need to prove that you are a gem on the clutter to earn money (not even MORE
money). But as a journalism graduate, I can always choose to work for the top
companies and get assigned in communications or marketing. Yet here I am,
working with a non-government organization for marginalized children.
The evil simultaneously throwing stones
of frustration to you, you’ll think why you are in this industry. I look back
to my college days. Before graduation, I decided to enter social development and
help others while helping myself. I was a sponsored child for almost 13 years
and I want to give back.
When I started to ask God why He put me on social development, He wanted me to go back to my childhood to find the
answer. In my childhood I actually started to dream this dream. Then I
realized, what if my sponsors before also experienced the same as I am experiencing
now. They had given the same purpose as I have. And what if they ended up
quitting (just like what I was thinking)? May be because of that dead dream
another dream was not achieved. May be because of that coward heart one child
was not saved. May be when they did not become who they were I am not who I am.
Perhaps I am living in irony, but isn’t that more fulfilling when you turn
around irony and make it a success?
And now, why me? Instead of answering this, I want to thank God for choosing
me. I want to give my trust back to my Savior. You crafted me this, I am glad
to be this. You know everything. I AM SORRY.
It’s
not fate, it’s God. He gently crafted my white glowing face; my shining
innocent eyes; my cute round nose; and my big red lips to be me. My purpose is to juggle
things around and to bring joy. I was born to succeed in the most fulfilling way.
THANK YOU, LORD.
