Guesswork

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It’s a sunshine while on logs moving on liquid salty and large

Butterflies approaching but in awe they forgot

Do you ever wonder why they came back and you wake-up?

One day they’ll arrive similar, yes quite, but not alike.

Putted on stone the count and every day hues were in mind

Yet little wings left then flew back after months

Sing at liberty you see the vast wonder they figure

But then and there solitary nourished the fold sure.

Tiny eyes receive pleading bewildering death

Lone goodbye was ample and sure thing did not left

Somehow accept the stone was made to crash with luck

Like a child born to live guesswork don’t think it flap.

xxx

An attempt for the first poem.J Just enjoying the so-called 'poetic license'. But critics, you are welcome to let me learn.J

Part I: The Perfect Place (At Work)

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If you are searching for a perfect place, I tell you, you’ll fail. But if you are creating one, be thrilled to experience success. I could say this confidently because I consider this as the biggest learning I acquired for the past 20 months that I've been working. This learning isn't a big deal for some but for a neo-fight like me, it’s an oasis in the middle of a scorching hot desert -- the idealistic thirst you've been experiencing after graduation was alleviated by the iced water unexpectedly showered to your head.

Well this learning doesn't work just in the workplace. Eventually, I see changes in different aspects of my life when I applied this. Now, let me share them and I hope you don’t mind wandering inside my story. Dissecting how this ‘perfect place’ learning has helped me in different ways I know would benefit in appreciating God’s ways better. Before I am looking for one perfect place but now, I've created different perfect places more flawless than I imagined.

At Work

The last semester in college was both a cramming-to-pass and a job-hunting season for me. My goal then was to work here in Manila using my college diploma -- in short I aimed to be a writer, a documentarist, a researcher, or a broadcaster; anything inline with my degree. Before graduation came, I received a lot of phone calls and job interview schedules. And to cut the story short, I got my first job in less than 3 weeks after ending my college life; as a Communication Research Associate in Agora Business Intelligence in one of the most prestigious business districts in Metro Manila, THE Makati City.

Precisely how I described it was how I felt when I first grasp independence and adventure. I was more than thrilled to leave home than to hold my diploma. I assumed I found the perfect workplace. But after a month my heaven became hell. I realized (simultaneously) watching six news channels everyday, reading five newspapers in the morning, and writing less than 10 news articles before the day ends (not to mention the low compensation) would make you stop when the traffic light is red and would make you go when it’s green. Really, I experienced that kind of shattered well-being. But obviously I’m still here and to clear things out I was not in an accident.

So I just waited to get my supposed-to-be regularization and left Agora after three months. Then I entered Children’s Hour Philippines, Inc. as a Marketing Communications Associate slash Friends-Raising Associate; in short as a social worker for marginalized children. I know this is far from journalism but as I explained from my previous articles, this is where my heart is. I was also a sponsored child before and I want to give back and I really love kids.

I’m working with Children’s Hour for one year & four months now and I shall say it’s not the perfect workplace either. But here I learned to make one. Despite the difficult superior I had who disclosed during his despedida (yes, thanks God he’s not with us anymore) that he planned to not regularize me because I did not grow and not yet ready, I’m still here confident that I’m working only for God and for the children. I don’t know why he said that when my colleagues and boss said otherwise. May be if I did not learn to turn around agony, I might be in my third employer or may be fourth; continuing the unending search for perfection.

I am not saying that you take in all the trash talks in your office or tolerate your inhumane boss just to put a big amount in your accounts. If you’re not growing and everything in your job contradicts your principles, then you’ll never create a perfect place (because you need to mold a good employer first which will never happen). In my case, I first considered my passion which I will discuss on the part three and consulted God of course.

In my adjustment stage in my second job, I first acknowledged all the imperfections of my employer, my colleagues, and even the struggles I need to face everyday going to the office. And I didn't stop. I did my best to put them at my back and never in front of me and that’s how I moved forward. If I will just focus on what my superior said during his despedida, I would have treated myself as the tiniest piece in the office -- contributing less, making it hard for everyone, and is just surviving because of my colleagues’ pity.

But I humbled myself. I did not think of revenge because I know eventually that would make me loose. I taught of my purpose and what God has told me. I worked hard to let my boss see again the first thing that she saw in me when she decided to hire me. I focused on the perfect smiles I see on the children’s faces; the most soothing ‘thanks’ you’ll hear from different people; and the warmest hug you’ll feel from a cancer survivor.

May be you’ll say you’re in a different situation now. Fulfillment in an NGO world is different from the corporate. But think of what made you decide to be in that place. I hope it’s out of passion either to build establishments as an engineer, to heal patients as a doctor, or even to make everyone smile as a clown. We are all different in terms of what makes us happy. And where we found happiness there we can create perfection. 

Influential People

They said there is no ‘original’ book; every book is composed of several manuscripts the author has read. Man, on the other hand, I believe isn’t original too; he is molded from other people’s ideas and influence. But every person can be crafted uniquely depending on WHAT ‘stimulus’ he wants to take in. Who’s passing the ‘microbes’ isn’t important. The person who’s receiving is the one responsible of sifting the good or bad bacteria.

I remember a quotable quote from one of my mentors, “To be good, you need to meet different people as much as you can. And get each of that person’s good characteristics.” Since then I became eager socializing, attending more events, and trying new things. Since then I sieved various traits I encounter from the people I know for quite some time and from the strangers I first meet.

Indeed, the ‘strategy’ is very effective. And it’s time to thank those people who injected something in me without them knowing. The following are the people I AM: 

• Nenia P. Bariso. My mother who is so transparent yet so sturdy. She taught me how to be kind and treat other people special. It’s easy for her to say her life to the people around her -- she is an open book. However, she still manages to be ‘durable’ despite her see-through life. I remember how she kicked that ‘rapist’ customer who touched her butt when we were still selling barbeque. Don’t get me wrong. My mother is the nicest person you could meet, but don’t mess with her (being influenced by my mom, don’t mess with me too). J
• Roberto B. Bariso. My father is everyone’s clown and our family’s source of strength. This man has his unique sense of humor that you’ll crave every day. He knows how to make you smile in your saddest. But eventually, you’ll realize that there’s something deep in some of the jokes he throws. That’s how he plays his role in your life – he knows you need him to re-carve your smile on your face, at the same time pierce in again in your head the lessons of life. He also is the most resourceful person I know. In order to have something delicious in our plates and put spices in our lives, he did every way possible – from selling fish, cutting trees (Joke! Legally, of course!), buying and selling scrap materials, to facilitating a game in our community called paripa (I don’t know if this is legal though. Hehe! It’s some sort of a lottery but the prizes are groceries, meat, chicken, etc.) just to earn money. That’s my super dad! And I’m proud I’m like him.
•  Robert James P. Bariso and Kathleen Marie Bariso Bana. They are my cute siblings who remind me that I am living with a purpose. Not just the purpose of helping them finish studying but of enjoying life with them. As the eldest, I’m honored to be their role model (one of the several at least). It will give you a lot of pressure sometimes but at the end of the day, it will help you think twice to do the wrong steps you are tempted to do. Because you know it’s not just your life you are burning; you are also starting to light up the sparks on your siblings’ lives. It’s the learning they are imparting to me without them knowing. That’s why I love these kids the way I love myself.
•  Eufemia Pillejera. She’s the person I miss the most. My Lola Yuping thought me how to smile and dance cha-cha. J I felt I was her favorite apo and I’m so blessed I was born before she left this world. For quite a time, I’ve been asking myself where I got my being optimistic. Then I realized it’s from my Lola. This cute chubby granny did not frown until she was diagnosed with Cervix Cancer. But it was not the sadness from a cynic but the grief from a person who experienced pain. I miss it when we wake-up early to buy tuba for her to sell and roam around Masbate to get a giant guava (ahhh. The most delicious I’ve tasted), to buy powdered chocolate drink, and to visit her friends to introduce her cute apo. I miss hugging you and sitting on your lap, Lola!
•  Lolo Itan & Lola Tilet and the rest of the Balgemino Family. Our family moved to Legazpi City when I was two; away from my parents’ families. And this family treated us their blood. I’m sure my parents also learned many things from them (especially from Lolo Itan and Lola Tilet). But the lesson I want to remember my entire life is Balgemino’s thicker ties as family. That made them victorious. I also have a lot of memories with my childhood friends. Indeed, the best lessons you’ll learn in life are from the people who’ve been with you since childhood.
• Sarah Jane Balingasa. Haven’t had a smart talk with this lady for long. This woman is one of those who first believed in my potentials especially in hosting. J Sarah is a talented and confident (in a positive way) woman; and maybe that’s why many people try to pull her down. She treats every problem light yet never hesitates to let others see her tears (saw her cry nth times). J I miss you, Sah!
•  Rona A. Diaz. I treat this woman as one of my mentors. Ate Ronz can find the last piece of hope in you (if there’s such) you’ll not imagine you can still pull off. She’s best in giving advice, motivating others, and reprimanding you in the nicest way. I have her advices still rumbling in my head when I’m on the dead end. I don’t know where she gets the best motivational stories and the first-time-to-hear trivia which are so effective. And by the way, she’s the most organized person I know. I salute her being futuristic. I’m still learning to adapt her most effective way of planning – she writes everything. J
•  Joey P. Echaluce. Another mentor and Kuya. What I love about this man is his passion for the youth and his own community. He always reminds me to not forget our community. Also, this guy is so dedicated yet calm. You’ll not notice he has done the hardest though it already took him several tries. Aside from that, I salute his humility…the simplest gem I know.
• Raisa A. Espinas. I love Ate Rai’s being free-spirited. Enjoying life and living it to the fullest is her game. She wants to learn and just learn and learn and learn. This woman influenced me to be cool. She doesn’t worry or maybe it’s not evident in her whenever she faces challenges. She knows that there’s an antidote in every dilemma – just be patient and don’t be stressed.
• Charlene C. Orosco. The life of this girl is full of surprises and magic. I can’t call it spontaneity (I also can’t figure out fully how she spends her life like that). But I am so blessed by what is happening to her. Maybe it is bravery to keep on trying new things…and not inform everyone. J Charlene maximizes every talent she has and works out the best potentials in her. Though sometimes she loses self-esteem, I think she doesn’t notice that she’s enjoying every frustration’s learning. That what makes her awesome!
• Henor Gotis. She is one of my clowns. J Peace, Kambal! She is my first Kambal who reflects most of my life aspects. This woman knows how to play life. Her fart, I mean her laugh is her weapon. We share the same experiences and this lady is the one to remind me how to love my family. She joins me in declaring that someday we will live in a palace, eat the most sumptuous food, and travel the world – all these in our own simplest way. J
• Jessha Marquez and Caryl Gamis. These two are really combined. We treat each other brother and sisters. Though we are far from one another now, I know someday we will again spend life together. Jing and Alyl taught me how to value friendship. For us, friendship is like volunteering – you don’t ask something in return. We don’t expect one to make-up with what the other has done. We are responsible of our own lives yet we have our own roles to play in our friendship. We are now discovering our own paths but I know in time those tracks will meet.
• Jose Vicente Rapirap. I don’t know what’s happening to this man now but I know he can survive. JV influenced me how to be independent. For him walking alone is better. I considered him as my older brother; I always want to have one since I am the eldest. I remember one day when he wanted to transfer to other block when we were in college. I felt so sad as if someone’s leaving for a long time. Now, because of him I enjoy to always spend my ‘me-time’. Because of this man I can find happiness on my own. J
• Geenette M. Garcia. She’s my boss now. This woman influenced me to become generous and live simply. She never forget her experiences and always influence goodness to others. She’s the coolest boss. J
• Ma. Mae Bernados and Abigail Gay Banghal. These two also come together. They are my sweetest Ates. Though we became siblings just last July, I feel so loved by these ladies. Ate Mae and Ate Abby are one of the strongest people I know. They remind me that God is always there and He is faithful to His promises. They also push me to do the things I love. They believe in me and are one of my avid fans. Hehe!
• Harold Bantilan, Jr. He is my second Kambal. We became twin because we really look alike (I’m more handsome though. Hehe). But I really treat this man as my brother. The best learning you could get from him is how to be a ‘real’ man. Kambal is a gentleman. He was lost before but I know he learned his lesson. J This man loves to think; really deep that he worry every little thing. I am also like that that’s why I like being with him when my head is deluged because we could remind each other to be happily crazy. J Another thing I like about him is his being true. He can easily express his feelings to others. At the same time, he has the most sensitive senses. I think his sensory system can easily hear your most quiet cry and smell the things you need. 

Of course, God is the biggest influence in my life. And I thank Him for bringing these people to make me whole.

Disclaimer: Don't get mad if your name wasn't mentioned. Every person in my life has his own contribution and a million thanks to you all (assuming I have a lot of readers)!!! J

White’s Darkness

Fate brought me to the world of happiness. I am used to the usual scenario. Will open my eyes in the morning knowing how the day would end. Put on the shield of smile, glow, and enthusiasm. I am the usual clown. But just like the typical jester, it’s easy to recognize my loneliness. Yet the clown hates pity from others -- he hates people to see darkness behind his white make-up.

As much as I would like to explain why it took me a while to post another write-up, I can’t because what happened was really overwhelming. But at the end it’s a victory. Something remains from those unexpected circumstance; it pierced deep into my heart and remained unresolved. The feeling of loneliness. WHY DO I NEED TO DO ALL OF THESE ALONE?

You read it right. I am feeling exactly like that. I know it’s hard to imagine for those who know me personally. For those who know me like the clown smiling from ear to ear, extremely laughing to the top of my voice, and giving pieces of advice like I experienced perfectness in my life. But clowns are ordinary people -- though often smile, they sometimes frown; though laughs are loud, they keep quiet; and though seem living perfectly, they too need to be in darkness to share light to others.

I don’t like this feeling. It seems like betraying God. It feels not trusting Him. But Lord, would you like me to experience this to realize how blessed I am? Please help me understand more. Give me answers. Speak to me. Sharpen my ears.

I feel blessed and think I’ve done great for the past 21 years. It feels like I’ve done plenty of things already. However, I see few results and I feel tired. Why do this at this age? Until when will I push myself? Why me?

Starting to question all these to God, I want to cry. I want to hurt myself. BUT NO, I NEED TO BRING THE CLOWN IN ME BACK AGAIN.

Why become the eldest among the siblings? I never questioned God why He gave me my family. On the contrary, I thank Him for giving me the most understanding mother, the most resourceful father, and the sweetest siblings. But I asked Him why I need to be the eldest among the sibs. My parents did their best to let me finish my studies. And now I am taking almost all the responsibility in the house since they did not finish their studies and don’t have jobs now. I know it’s not my duty to support them but I can’t do anything. The least I can do is to pray that God would bless them with great opportunity to have a successful business.

Then I realized why God made me the eldest. I want to make myself believe and put in mind that God has a purpose. May be I haven’t pushed myself harder when I am not the eldest. Or dreamed of my dreams when I am the second or the third among us.

And God’s greatest reason I know is that He wants me to start the Christian generation in the family. And it’s really a pleasure to be given that kind of purpose. I thank God for entrusting me that kind of task. I will do my best to be the most deserving person for this rare job. I’ll let you see again, Lord, the first thing you saw in me when you decided to make me the eldest of my parents’ kids.

Why give me the passion for social development? By education, I am a journalist. There’s no money with that industry. The competition is high and you need to prove that you are a gem on the clutter to earn money (not even MORE money). But as a journalism graduate, I can always choose to work for the top companies and get assigned in communications or marketing. Yet here I am, working with a non-government organization for marginalized children.

The evil simultaneously throwing stones of frustration to you, you’ll think why you are in this industry. I look back to my college days. Before graduation, I decided to enter social development and help others while helping myself. I was a sponsored child for almost 13 years and I want to give back.

When I started to ask God why He put me on social development, He wanted me to go back to my childhood to find the answer. In my childhood I actually started to dream this dream. Then I realized, what if my sponsors before also experienced the same as I am experiencing now. They had given the same purpose as I have. And what if they ended up quitting (just like what I was thinking)? May be because of that dead dream another dream was not achieved. May be because of that coward heart one child was not saved. May be when they did not become who they were I am not who I am. Perhaps I am living in irony, but isn’t that more fulfilling when you turn around irony and make it a success?

And now, why me? Instead of answering this, I want to thank God for choosing me. I want to give my trust back to my Savior. You crafted me this, I am glad to be this. You know everything. I AM SORRY.

It’s not fate, it’s God. He gently crafted my white glowing face; my shining innocent eyes; my cute round nose; and my big red lips to be me. My purpose is to juggle things around and to bring joy. I was born to succeed in the most fulfilling way. THANK YOU, LORD.

Just Amazed

I was really amazed with this picture. My cousin posted this on my Facebook timeline yesterday. She found this letter in her closet when she was cleaning her things. Of course I knew I made it (aside from the signature, I can still recall my handwriting from grade school) but I can't exactly recall the whole thing. 

My cousin told me that I gave her 20 pesos wrapped in this letter and putted it secretly inside her bag when she was still in high school. May be I was then in grade 3. When I asked where's the money now, she jokingly said she bought it a Corneto ice cream. May be she can't also remember what she used it for. :)

I just feel so blessed to know that God's already working in my life when I was a child. Truly, He is constant in all ages. :)

Greatest Fear No More

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Just recently I was in a conversation with a friend that made me feel (again) my greatest fear. I started the talk with a goal to know more of this friend. Somehow I achieved my objective – learned a lot about her family, her plans, and her fears – yet the latter part of the conversation made me feel so heavy and afraid. She uttered (maybe) the most sensitive sentence for me.

“You are so idealistic”, she said.

I did not feel bad with her. She said this in a very nice way; and considering that this friend is like a sister to me, what she said was treated as a reminder. Really it is ‘not what you say but it’s how you say it.’ Instead of getting so upset with her, what she said made me ponder on my situation now. Questions like ‘Am I really idealistic?’, ‘Am I dreaming too high?’, and ‘Are all my dreams realistic and achievable?’ got into my head one by one. Eventually, it resulted to other questions…‘Will I fail at the end?’, ‘Am I on the right place now to achieve all my dreams?’, ‘Am I achieving less what are expected my age?’

But as many people say, you need to dissect an animal to know its anatomy. Just like with the situation I was in, I needed to answer the questions separately. Until I found out that all these questions have the same answer. And that I got from God when He said, ‘You are serving a mighty God’.

I know I am not the only one who experienced or is experiencing this dilemma. The greatest fear of idealism really would crush (first) your brain and finally your heart. This has a very strong power to let you feel pity, insecurity, and distrust. But then again, how can we win this battle and prove to our mountains that God is higher? On my end, I am keeping these in mind…

Photo by: Google

First, God has a perfect plan for everyone. I don’t know about you but I am still holding on to His promises. Let us trust in a sense that we know that He has a purpose why we are in a certain situation and why we are not. It is easy to honour Him when what happens favours us. But I know it is difficult to accept why what He gives is not what we expect (rather, it is so easy to complain). When this occurs, think back and beyond.

I remember a friend whose mom is sick asking, ‘Why is this happening now?’ Then I said, ‘Think when this situation happened before’. Then she recalled her medical assistance from her previous job did not cover her immediate family members. And she said she might have found it more difficult to support her mom’s medication then. Or let’s say when her situation will just be happening in the future. May be she’ll be having other priorities (married or starting to build her business I guess).

God knows the proper timing. Remember that He is not the one putting us in a bad circumstance. Keep in mind that God is a friend who controls it for our own benefit.

Second, God is not just able; believe He’ll fulfil. Often we only believe He is mighty to make all things possible for us and suddenly we stop. Take the next step and claim that He is willing to fulfil His promises. Not risking to take the next step suggests failure. It’s not God who made you fail but your own doubts and fear.

And sometimes the steps are repetitive. You’ll realize you are just in the same path but no, you just need to discover the secret weapon in there for you to go to the next level…and reach the finish line. Like the common computer games we play, you need to first unlock the current level before you move on to the next. Stop complaining why you’re stagnant rather be more thrilled to master the level you are in.

Third and last, God gives the best. I know there are possibilities I will not attain my visions. But still, I am excited for the things God is in store for me. He is the one who gave me my visions for a purpose. It might not to achieve all these but may be to use these for me to accomplish His greater plans. I know unrealizing my visions now isn’t failing…it is learning.

In the first place, I don’t even deserve the life I have yet God gave me this wonderful gift. What less would He not give me when He has given me the biggest? 

In God...greatest fear's no more. :)

‘What’ is Your Friend?

I remember this teacher from college (before I knew Christ) whom we admired because of her intelligence yet we hated because of how she teaches. She calls herself a ‘restorative’ writer and glorifies [only] God with her articles. Of course weak as I was that time, I was one of those who said, “How would that (restorative writing) benefit us in the future?”  

Let me share one of my works with her; and shall I say one of my best outputs in college. It’s an article aimed to fight with the negative effects of internet, of course, through our restorative articles as journalists. I remember how I was shocked when my teacher commended my work and even told me that she would have written the same with the topic.

But when given a chance to add something on the write-up, I would include the issue on the social networks being the tools of everyone to disclose their feelings. Are you one of those who reveal everything on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram than in person? Do you rant often on social media and seldom tell your emotions to your friends, boss, or parents?

Once in my life I was guilty doing these. But after acknowledging God in my life, I learned to make my social media accounts as records of happiness and optimism. I would like to relate this to the preaching we had this afternoon at church. We learned how to act in times of injustice and remember that God is a righteous judge.

Two points were discussed. First, we should 'guard our heart and don’t get even'. Truly it is challenging to love your enemies.  But would it be more crucial when our God would judge us? Are you not sinful and will be saved when that happens? Let me encourage everyone to just pray for protection. Social media should not be a tool to do revenge.  Let it not be our barrier with our friends or family. Do not commit another sin for a sin. Second, we need to 'trust God and let Him vindicate us'. God knows everything, thus, he knows if you are guilty or not. Have faith and wait for His justification.

Everyone…HAPPY THOUGHTS ON SOCIAL MEDIA. =)

A Letter to You

She looked tired when she entered the house last night. Yet she managed to leave a smile to us before going to their bedroom. Suddenly, I heard someone weeping and I was quite sure it’s her. Without even knowing why she was crying, I wanted to hug and comfort her. But really I don’t want to see someone crying so I did not approach her.

I want to dedicate this second write-up to Ate Mae. =)

Someone’s Holding You

Holding on to a prickled stem, would you continue to grip even though it’s hurting? Or would you take a risk to release your hand and fall? This is certainly a tricky question. But you’ll easily give an answer when you know that there is Someone who doesn’t want you to be hurt and promised that you’ll be saved.

Jeremiah 17:14 says, "Heal me, Lord, and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved, for you are the one I praise." Indeed, a very motivating verse. But let’s deeply study and understand its story. The verse was taken from a chapter where Jeremiah prayed for deliverance. He claimed that he has a God who he can hold on to. And he spoke to his mountains as if he really is portraying that He is alive in his heart.

We usually misunderstand the word ‘deliverance’ and define it as “the casting out of demons”. There is nothing wrong with that but there is something more than that. Deliverance is a complete assertion of salvation through a living God -- mighty and loving. It’s not just about being brave to hurl the enemies but it's bragging that you are serving a stronger God.

He is more than hurting when He sees us hurting. That’s why He never wanted that to happen (well, who wants to?). On this certain situation, we need to understand God. At times we are so worried not noticing that we are already bleeding.  We are holding so long to something that cannot cure us; and worst gives us more pain. God is telling us to trust and jump. At the end of the day, you’ll realize that it’s not deep…it’s not that bad.

“Healing? Leave it to Him.” This is what I want to tell to Ate Mae. Just this night I learned that her mom was diagnosed with cancer. Honestly, I felt sad. But not anymore when I realized that GOD IS BIGGER THAN A CANCER.

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